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DC Talk – with Hal 12/23/13

I don't smell!Jingle bells, Batman smells…
…kind-of like Bane – sweaty with a hint of pineapple, and steroids.  More on that later…

But first! Hello and welcome to a special holiday edition of DC Talk – with Hal!  (In case you were randomly clicking links and you don’t know where you are, this is Comical Musings, a blog about comic books.  I’m Hal and I talk about DC.)  It is universally recognized that there is no comic character more closely associated with Christmas than the Dark Knight, with the possible exception of Super Santa.  So lets all take a moment to pause and consider what Batman has been up to this season…

Super SantaEarth 2 Batman just shot the Joker in the head.  He’s not Bruce Wayne, but I think I might like this guy better.  They haven’t shown the Earth 2 Batmobile yet, but I’m willing to bet that all of it’s wheels are intact.  It has yet to be determined if Earth 2 Robin is capable of laying an egg.

Justice League 3000 Batman, commonly known as Earth 2 Batman of the Future, hates JL 3000 Superman.  The first issue of JL 3000 came out this month, and their version of Batman looks a lot more like the current Earth 2 Batman than like Batman Beyond, which makes sense because he’s a clone of Bruce Wayne rather than Terry McGinnis.  He’s not quite as morally upstanding as the original, but he’s still the gosh darn Batman, and that seems to have been enough for him to catch the eye of JL 3000 Wonder Woman. The first issue was interesting, although I don’t really approve of how they “reimagined” the Wonder Twins (“Form of an Aryan!… Shape of an androgynous track and field athlete!”)  Let’s hope they do a better job with Gleek.  Nevertheless, JL 3000 was still an entertaining departure and I recommend you check it out, especially if you are a fan of super team in-fighting.  I also hear that future Bruce Wayne will pay good money if you have some kryptonite and can ship it to the year 3000.

Batman ’66 Batman, commonly known as Adam West, is currently wrangling with the Bookworm!  Can King Tut and Egg Head be far behind?

My toaster oven, commonly known as Bat-toaster*, is currently not working.  It is clearly the worst of all Batmen.

*Note: I do not use it to toast bats. I only reheat them.

Movie Batman is still going to be played by Ben Affleck.  Good for him.  Is it weird that I get Ben Affleck confused with Paul Rudd?  Incidentally, Paul Rudd is slated to play the titular character in the 2015 Ant-Man movie directed by Edgar Wright.  Is it weird that I get Paul Rudd confused with the dark haired guy in Ylvis?  Is it weird that I never get Ant-Man confused with Spider-Man?  Is it weird that all the Marvel animal-named heroes are hyphenated, but the DC animal-named heroes aren’t?  Is it weird that I know you want to go look that up?  Is it weird that I was wrong?  Is it weird that I’m asking so many questions?  Would you tell me if it was?  Would you?  Are you sure it’s not getting weird?  How about now?  Is it weird now?  Is it?!

Bat BaneEarth 1 Batman, commonly referred to as Batman, is believed to be dead.  He obviously isn’t because he’s Batman.  At the moment he is nursing Cyborg back to health in some super hospital somewhere.  More importantly, a war is raging for control of Gotham City.  The former inmates of Blackgate Penitentiary, under the leadership of Bane, are trying to subdue the former patients of Arkham Asylum.  In the latest issue of Forever Evil: Arkham War Bane has realized that in order to frighten the crazies he needs an even more intimidating image.  So he makes himself a Batman suit and declares himself to be Batman. (Who’s crazy now?)  He then promptly throws Killer Croc off a building.  (Don’t worry, no one ever really dies in comics.)  I’m hoping that in the next issue he makes the Penguin dress up like Robin.  Actually, I’ve been hoping that would happen for a long time. Is that weird?

Anyway, that’s the run-down of all the hot bat-action across the DC Universe.  If you disagree or if I left something out, feel free to leave a comment below and set me straight.  Otherwise, go ahead and tie a towel around your neck and run around singing “Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah, Batman,” because that’s the reason for the season.  Until next time, thanks for reading, check back often, and on behalf of Comical Musings: mele kalikimaka, which in Hawaiian means Happy Kwanza or something.


~ Hal ~

About Hal

Favorite Comics: Flaming Carrot, Prophet, Dial 'H', Silver-age Green Lantern

Defining Quote: "Y'all don't want to hear me, ya just want to dance." -Andre 3000

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