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BREAKING: Leaked Ant-Man Movie Script (By JK Leo)

So I was smoking that good crack rock with Brian Michael Bendis and Jim Steranko, and then they got into an argument over whether flying cars were awesome. Bendis said flying cars weren’t awesome. Steranko said they were really awesome. Bendis called Steranko a racial slur and then Steranko stood up and gave him a Bob-Kane-level smackdown. I can still recall the fear in Bendis’s eyes. Wait, was it fear? Actually, it was blood. Yes. Blood in his eyes. Blood on the floor. Bendis blood flowing across the floor. All over the covers of New Avengers issue 15. All over everything until the whole world was bathed in crimson. Then Bendis got up and the three of us watched Reading Rainbow until the cows came home. Then Mrs. Bendis yelled at us because we called them cows. I couldn’t help it. That sweet, sweet crack rock.

Sorry. Let me start over.

Hi, my name is JK Leo. Have you heard the good news? Marvel announced recently that Michael Douglas will be portraying Hank Pym in the upcoming Ant-Man film. Now, this makes me pretty happy, because Michael Douglas and his jowls have been in some really great movies over the years. I’m thinking of David Fincher’s severely underrated The Game. And the Wall Street sequel starring serial plagiarist/full-time douchebag/part-time actor, Shia LaBeouf. And You, Me, & Dupree. And Glengarry Glen Ross. K-PAX. Superman Returns. Of Mice and Men. The Borrowers. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The Godfather Part III. Freedom Writers. His dad was even mother-farthing Paths of Glory. If you like movies but you don’t like Paths of Glory, you’re smoking some Bendis-level, Rob-Ford shaming crack rock.

As you know, when I’m not turning tricks at Rick’s Badger Ranch Brothel, I moonlight as a writer for Marvel comics. Lately they’ve just had me doing the footnotes to Matt Fraction’s Pretentious D-Bag Comics Series. But now I’m determined to break into the limelight by having Marvel Comics Studios make a movie out of my Ant-Man screenplay. Here we go.

 

MARVEL STUDIOS PRESENTS

ANT-MAN

JK Leo

Ant-Man-Movie-Costume-Helmet

Screenrant.com

INT. PYM LABORATORY. MICHAEL DOUGLAS fools around with chemistry crap. He pours crap into other crap until SCIENCE! happens. SCIENCE! gets on him and he freaks out and gets really enormous until he becomes a giant man and busts through the roof of the laboratory.

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Oh crap! I’m a giant!

 

JANET VAN DYNE runs into the rubble of the lab and looks up to yell at MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

 

JANET (shouting)

Hank Pym! Are you okay?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)

Yes, Janet Van Dyne.

 

JANET (shouting)

How did you get so big?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)

Particles.

 

JANET (shouting)

What kind of particles?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)

Particles of an unknown nature. They seem to make people bigger.

 

JANET (whispering)

Like your ego?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)

What?

 

JANET (shouting)

Pym Particles™!

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Cool sounds good.

 

Something something action sequence. MICHAEL DOUGLAS who is ANT-MAN runs around hitting people in cool and visually interesting ways. Zack Snyder drools all over the place. He switches sizes between being minuscule and really enormous and he kills all these dudes.

INT. AVENGERS TOWER. IRON MAN sits at a desk and MICHAEL DOUGLAS sits across from him. IRON MAN sips whiskey through a straw that he has put through a slit in his helmet.
 

IRON MAN

So you know who the Avengers are?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes. Duh.

 

IRON MAN

Really? You’re kind of old…

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Not too old to remember Steed and Peel.

 

IRON MAN

Who?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Emma Peel. Steed. Cane swords. Avengers.

 

IRON MAN

I have no idea what you’re talking about. How old are you?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

My dad was Spartacus, so that would make me roughly INSANELY OLD.

 

IRON MAN

Uh…Avengers.

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes. Steed and Peel.


IRON MAN

Jarvis?

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Yes, sir?

 

IRON MAN

Can you google “The Avengers” for this old mother******?

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Indubitably, sir.

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Now listen, Mister Stark. I respect your work. You’re a damn good scientist and your dad is one of the best supporting cast members in Mad Men.

 

IRON MAN

You think so?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Well, he’s no Peggy Olsen or Joan Holloway, but he’s better than –

 

IRON MAN and MICHAEL DOUGLAS, simultaneously

Pete Campbell!

 

Both laugh hysterically.

 

IRON MAN

So how about that Bob Benson storyline?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Seriously. Loved it. Like…symbolism.

 

IRON MAN

Right!?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

But anyway…

 

IRON MAN clears his throat. MICHAEL DOUGLAS clears his throat. Awkward silence pervades.

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I don’t want to join your Avengers. There’s only one Avengers team for me, plus the New Avengers of course, and it’s –

 

IRON MAN

Did Bendis send you?

 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

What? Who’s Bendis? What are you –

 

IRON MAN

Get out!

Exit MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Sir, I’ve returned with your google results.

 

IRON MAN

Damn, where did you go? That took forever.

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

I had to go to a wireless tower, then outer space, where I interfaced with a particularly brusque satellite. Then I returned with the desired information. I brought an NSA Trojan Horse with me.

 

IRON MAN

Okay, whatever.

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Apparently, The Avengers is a much-loved British television programme.

 

IRON MAN

Did you just spell program in the British way?

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Uh…

 

IRON MAN

Nevermind. Who’s the most desperate ass**** in my contacts list? Someone who will do anything for money.

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Paul Rudd.

 

IRON MAN

Paul Rudd? You serious? Dude was in Cider House Rules. Wet Hot American Summer.

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

I didn’t care for Wet Hot American Summer.

 

IRON MAN

Did you actually watch it?

 

JARVIS (Off-screen)

Er, yes.

 

IRON MAN

Bull****. Anybody who’s seen Wet Hot American Summer absolutely loves it. Call Paul Rudd.

 

INT. Burger Palace. IRON MAN sits in a booth across from PAUL RUDD. They both munch on curly fries.

 

IRON MAN

These curly fries are insane.

 

PAUL RUDD

Right?

 

IRON MAN

Pass me that ketchup.

 

PAUL RUDD

K.

 

IRON MAN

So. You’re probably guessing I have a reason to call you up randomly.

 

PAUL RUDD

You didn’t just want to, like, talk?

 

IRON MAN

I need you to steal something.

 

PAUL RUDD

I’m’a steal some of those curly fries.

 

IRON MAN

I’m serious.


PAUL RUDD

I’m serious about these fries yo.

 

IRON MAN

You’ve played a thief, right?

 

PAUL RUDD

I was in Dinner For Schmucks, and that movie made a ton of money. So…in a way.

 

IRON MAN

You’re gonna’ become Ant-Man.

 

PAUL RUDD

I don’t know who that is.

 

IRON MAN

You’re Ant-Man.

 

PAUL RUDD

That doesn’t sound very awesome.

 

IRON MAN

Michael Douglas was Ant-Man, but now it’s you.

 

PAUL RUDD

Cool. I’ll do it.

 

IRON MAN

Just like that? I just say “Michael Douglas” and you’re in?

 

PAUL RUDD

Mhm. Dude’s awesome. He was in the movie where you see the vagina.

 

IRON MAN

He was, I guess.

 

PAUL RUDD

So what am I stealing?

 

IRON MAN

Pym Particles™.

 

PAUL RUDD

Pimp articles?

 

IRON MAN

Yeah.

 

PAUL RUDD

Like a cup? With rhinestones on it?

 

IRON MAN

What are you talking about?

 

PAUL RUDD

Big sunglasses? Garish fur coat?

 

IRON MAN

Just go to his lab. I’ll text you the directions. Jack his gear and you’re on the team.

 

PAUL RUDD

I get to be an Avenger?

 

IRON MAN

Uh-huh.

 

PAUL RUDD

Hang out with Captain America?

 

IRON MAN

Yeah, sure.


PAUL RUDD

Hulk?

 

IRON MAN

If he’s in town.

 

PAUL RUDD

Thor?

 

IRON MAN

Are you just listing all the Avengers you know of?

 

PAUL RUDD

The Immortal Iron Fist?

 

THE END

 

Post-Credits Stinger!!!!!!!!!!!111!

PAUL RUDD

It’s just amazing, like how any bit of rumored casting news gets instantly reported as fact. I mean, I’m really invested in comics and superhero films. I love spoilers. Love ‘em. But sometimes the blogosphere can take it a little far, to the point where I’m like WHOA, just cool it. I don’t know if Johnny Depp is playing Doctor Strange, or maybe it’s Jon Hamm or maybe John Cusack or maybe John Malkovich or maybe Jonathan Taylor Thomas or quite possibly John Cleese, but I’m like 95% sure it’ll be someone named John or some derivation of. But like, even with Star Wars. I love me some Star Wars. But when a rumor circulates that someone might have maybe taken a meeting with Todd from Breaking Bad, like give it a rest man. Tell me when you have something to tell me.

 

NICK FURY

I was just wanting to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

 

PAUL RUDD

You go away, Nick Fury. You go away and you never come back.

~ JK Leo ~

About JK Leo


Favorite comics: Blacksad, Daytripper, The Goon, Fantastic Four, Batman

Defining Quote: "If it's true we might die, let it be without regrets. Let it be with vigor. Let it be as giants." Jonathan Hickman via Namor

One comment

  1. You had me at Wet Hot American Summer.

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