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The Avengers 2 Funny

So there I was, standing in front of the mirror, my junk tucked between my legs, just screaming the lyrics to “Who Let the Dogs Out” and trying so hard to remember any of the lyrics that aren’t “Who let the dogs out” and then I fell to my knees and started crying. It was then that I realized that every man eventually becomes just like his father. My dad, who I just found out is like a funny, intelligent version of Kevin Smith, is a man named Patton Oswalt. Patton (or as I call him, Pappa-Roo), recently pitched an idea for the next Avengers movie on the set of the hit NBC show Ron Swanson and Aubrey Plaza Do Stuff. His pitch involved Boba Fett from Star Trek and some Greek gods from that movie with the handsome dudes and the giant scorpions (was it called Release the Kraken? Is that the name of a movie?).

Now, many years, later, I’ve decided to write my own pitch. But I don’t want my pure super-hero movie to be cross-pollenated by that science-fiction filth or mythical references. Just Avengers fighting Thanos and giving him the business. That said, I wrote this script on the paper and cardboard I stole out of Daniel Craig’s recycling bin and sent it to Marvel Films head Kevin Feige and he liked it so much he sent a psychological profiler from the FBI to come ask me even more questions about my ideas and why I had so many illustrations of Joss Whedon’s face papering my walls and I’ll tell you what I told them: Joss Whedon lives in my dreams and his words echo the primal underpinnings of my very soul and he’s mad sexy. Without further fluff, here it is. JK Leo’s spec script for THE AVENGERS 2.

From Screenrant.com

From Screenrant.com

 

THE AVENGERS 2

JK LEO

>EXT. MIDNIGHT. A street that looks remarkably like Abbey Road. Deserted, middle of the night. A lamppost provides only the slightest luminescence. A REALLY HOT BRITISH WOMAN walks from right to left, her heels clicking against the pavement. From the shadows, a MUGGER emerges, brandishing a switchblade.

MUGGER

Hello there, lovely.

>A REALLY HOT BRITISH WOMAN gasps. The MUGGER is about to shank her, but a low-pitched booming, like a fighter jet flying too low, grabs his attention. He looks up. Like a bolt out of the sky, CAPTAIN BRITAIN slams the MUGGER into the pavement. CAPTAIN BRITAIN stands up, dusts himself off, and reveals himself to be a paragon of power and masculinity in his red and white skintight outfit. The MUGGER’s corpse lies mangled in the small crater left by CAPTAIN BRITAIN’s impact.

CAPTAIN BRITAIN

Cheers.

cap brit

>A REALLY HOT BRITISH WOMAN takes off her top. Her breasts are big.

>SMASH-CUT!

 

>INT. STARK TOWER. TONY STARK sits cross-legged on his couch, a half-empty glass of booze in hand. CAPTAIN BRITAIN, aka BRIAN BRADDOCK, sits across from him. They’re both cracking up.

STARK

So what’d you say?

BRADDOCK

Cheers.

>Both laugh their asses off.

STARK

That’s ridiculous.

BRADDOCK

Didn’t work as well as it does on your American birds. One hint of the accent and their knickers dissolve.

STARK

Knickers isn’t a word, Brian.

BRADDOCK

Bugger off!

>BRUCE BANNER walks in. He’s nerdy and anxious, but in a vaguely sexy, threatening way.

 

BRUCE

Hey guys, am I early for the Avengers meeting?

STARK

You’re always early, Hulk.

BRUCE

I don’t like being called…that name.

STARK

Have a ****ing drink. Loosen up.

BRUCE

That probably isn’t the best idea…

JARVIS (VOICEOVER)

Sir, someone is at the door. Captain Rogers and a…companion.

STARK

Let ‘em in.

>CAPTAIN AMERICA, dressed in a button-down t-shirt and slacks, comes in with FALCON, a tall, African-American man in a black leather outfit with huge wings hanging down from his arms. CAP looks around in consternation.

CAP

Oh man, are we late?

STARK

Hulk just showed up.

BRADDOCK

He was early.

BRUCE

Don’t call me that.

BRADDOCK

Early?

STARK

Hulk.

hulk

BRUCE

Don’t CALL ME THAT!

STARK

I was just telling him what you don’t like to be called.

CAP

I was worried we’d be late.

STARK

You aren’t late.

CAP

I wanted to introduce my new partner. Guys, this is Sam.

FALCON

I go by Falcon.

STARK

Your…partner?

BRADDOCK

Cap’n America’s a pooftah!

CAP

I have no idea what that means, son.

STARK

Homosexual.

FALCON

Whoa. We aren’t…partners. We’re a team. A duo.

BRUCE

Hm.

CAP

Guys. You know me. We fought Loki together. Remember?

STARK

Don’t get so defensive, Cap. It’s much more accepted in our time.

CAP (Genuinely)

Oof, that’s a relief.

FALCON

What?

CAP

When’s Thor getting here?

>The doorbell rings. Everyone turns to look at the door in anticipation. Everyone loves Thor.

>HAWKEYE enters.

From Screenrant.com

From Screenrant.com

 

EVERYONE

Awww.

HAWKEYE

Is Natasha here yet?

BRUCE

We thought you were Thor.

HAWKEYE

I can see how you’d make that mistake.

STARK

I thought Natasha was with you.

HAWKEYE

…no.

BRADDOCK

Where the **** is Thor?

>Thunder booms: KRAKA-THOOM!

 

THOR

The party hath arrived, mortals!

>Everyone cheers!

 

THOR

But why is it such a sausage-feast? Where art the maidens? Where is Black Widow?

CAP

I’m having fun. This is great!

STARK

Jarvis, call Natasha.

JARVIS

Shall I put her on the speaker-phone, sir?

STARK

Sure.

>Phone rings over intercom.

WIDOW

Hello?

STARK

Black Widow! We were just wondering if you were going to make it to the party. It’s a bummer without you.

CAP

I’m really having a good time.

WIDOW

I am…running late. I might be able to make it later. Good-night, Iron Man.

STARK

Might be able to make it? What are we, the Might-y Avengers?

HAWKEYE

Is Nick at least coming out?

BRUCE

Nick’s an *******.

STARK

He RSVP’d “Maybe.”

FALCON

Who the **** puts “Maybe”?

STARK

I know, right?

BRUCE

What about the Raccoon guy?

STARK

Busy.

HAWKEYE

What the hell could he be doing?

STARK

Well…I asked him to move out.

CAP

Already?

STARK

I caught him…sorting through Pepper’s underwear drawer.

>HAWKEYE drops his drink. It shatters on the floor and everyone stares.

 

HAWKEYE

It, uh, wasn’t me.

BRADDOCK

Let’s talk more about knickers.

FALCON

HEY! THAT’S OUR WORD!

BRADDOCK

What?

FALCON

THAT’S OUR WORD AND YOU CAN’T USE IT.

HAWKEYE

Who invited Black Panther anyway?

FALCON

My name is FALCON!

CAP

Don’t get so upset, baby.

FALCON

MOTHER****** DID YOU JUST “BABY” ME? I AM A GROWN ****ING HUMAN BEING AND I AM A STRONG ****ING BLACK MAN AND **** YOU IF YOU CAN’T ****ING HANDLE IT.

BRADDOCK

I said “knickers.”

FALCON

Oooh.

THOR

Thou knowest what we could do?

STARK

What, Thor?

THOR

Loki toldeth me of a knavish space-god named Thanos who wishes to destroy the universe. Shall we killeth him?

STARK

It’s getting progressively more difficult to understand you.

HAWKEYE

Let’s killeth this dude.

STARK

Cool.

>SMASH-CUT. THANOS stares at himself in the mirror, smiling.

 

thanos

THANOS

Soon, even Death herself will want a piece of this.

MINION

Totes.

>MINION gets shot through the face with an arrow.

HAWKEYE

Sup?

THANOS

Fools! I am assembling the Infinity Gauntlet!

CAP

Get ‘im, honey!

FALCON

Who do you mean? Because you must not mean me, because I am certainly not your ****ing honey.

THOR

He meaneth thou.

BRADDOCK

That’s not grammatically correct.

>THANOS blasts all of them with a beam of awesome energy. Pan over to reveal THANOS wearing a golden glove with the six gems in it: the COOL GEM, the AWESOME GEM, the BADASS GEM, the PRETTY NEAT GEM, the MEDIOCRE GEM, and the CRAPPY GEM THAT COMPLETES THE SET.

 

BRUCE

That’s a stupid glove.

THANOS

You’re stupid.

BRUCE

That made me angry!

>BRUCE turns into HULK and kills THANOS.

THE END.

 

>POST-CREDITS SEQUENCE:

>INT. PLACE.

BLACK WIDOW

How was the party?

BRADDOCK

It was alright.

>SMASH CUT TO BLACK. CROWD GOES NUTS. I GET ALL THE ****ING MONEY.

 

~ JK Leo ~

About JK Leo


Favorite comics: Blacksad, Daytripper, The Goon, Fantastic Four, Batman

Defining Quote: "If it's true we might die, let it be without regrets. Let it be with vigor. Let it be as giants." Jonathan Hickman via Namor

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