When Scott first contacted the Blok about a comic so bad that it gave him pause, his statements gave me pause. For those of you who read the blog regularly, you know that our fearless leader, Deaux, does not often hate comics. He is someone who manages to find good in most everything he reads, so I knew right away that I was in for a deliciously awful treat with Secret Avengers 13. As someone who has seen The Room more times than I care to admit publically, I consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of bad media, which is why I feel qualified to address you today, gentle reader.
|Note: Actual Cover, not a Playstation One game
Secret Avengers takes place after Norman Osborne’s “Dark Reign” is brought to an end and follows Captain America as he now leads a black ops incarnation of the Avengers known as the Secret Avengers because creativity is obviously not his strong suit (no word yet on when Call of Duty: Black Ops III: Secret Avengers will be released but with Whedon’s recent success, it should be any day now). Of course, Cap assembles the best Avengers he can find for this crack team. That’s right this team features … Iron Man! Not quite, but we do get War Machine. Okay, okay, how about the Hulk? Seeing as how he doesn’t function very well in a stealthy environment, Banner does not make an appearance, but we do have The Beast … so win? How about Thor? Surely, he can calm the lightning a bit and be a Secret Avenger, right? Nope, but Valkyrie is present! Moon Knight, Sharon Carter, Prince of Orphans, Black Widow, and Ant-Man round out the team. You’ll remember Moon Knight as being crazy
, Black Widow as being the hot one, and the Ant-Man persona as not being interesting when he’s not involved in spousal abuse
. Note from editor: It’s a different person in the Ant-Man costume, but that sentence was too funny to remove.
And this crack team of super secret agents (that features a giant, hairy, blue man and Asgardian demi-goddess and a man in a metal suit) embarks on some Mission Impossible-level espionage by … fighting giant Nazi robots that are led by Red Skull’s daughter, Sin, at Capitol Hill in broad daylight. Somewhere along the line, secret mutant, former civil rights/mutant rights activist, and current congressman, Lenny Gary, locks himself up in the chamber in the name of coal mining legislation (always the dreamer that Lenny), and Beast is sent in to drag him out because that’s a more meaningful use of his time than fighting the giant Nazi robots that plan on destroying the everything and because apparently these two have been friends for decades or something. Meanwhile, Ant-Man makes quips on the battlefield to convince everyone that maybe he’s more interesting than we think.
It all culminates in Lenny Gary reciting Lincoln’s famous Gettysburg Address while the whole world watches as the giant Nazi robots turn Washington DC into ruins. His speech choice makes sense because just as Lincoln addressed a nation divided against itself during one of the nation’s most bloody and tragic conflicts … well, Nazi robots are bad. Then it ends. D.C. is a ball of flame, and Ant-Man still isn’t funny. I feel like I’m forgetting something though…
|Must … avoid … obvious … vampire hunter joke …
Oh, that’s right. Lenny’s mutation is that he can make the Lincoln Memorial come to life. And not just the Lincoln memorial but statues in the Smithsonian as well. It’s a twist that you don’t see coming because it is, well, stupid. In my youth, I had my share of the Lincoln-Memorial-kicking-robot-ass fantasies. Who hasn’t? But in my youth, I also ate crayons. Way too many crayons.
With hokey, expository dialogue and bland art, Secret Avengers 13 never makes any of the above mean anything. It’s not just that it’s bad … it’s that it’s boring as well, despite featuring giant Nazi robots and a giant Lincoln punching giant Nazi robots! All that being said, consider my petition to include Nazi robots in every Marvel comic begun. I get giddy just typing it … Nazi robots …
-The Blackness Monster