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Home / Just for Fun / Gratuitous Fan Service Week: X-Men Origins: Gambit “What Could Be?”

Gratuitous Fan Service Week: X-Men Origins: Gambit “What Could Be?”

Hi, my name is Scott Deaux and I am the editor in chief of Comical Musings.  If you have read our posts before, you know that Comical Musings has an ample stable of writers, called the Writer’s Blok, and that we all contribute articles to the greater good and the promotion of our favorite storytelling medium…comic books.  This week is Gratuitous Fan Service Week and we are rolling out blogs that deal with “specifically” what you want to read.  In our top searches, 14.76% of the recent traffic that we have gotten for our site have been looking for “Robert Downey Jr.”  We barely have anything on our site that addresses that desire.  13.99% is for “Gambit.”  I tasked the Writer’s Blok with coming up with a way to incorporate our most searched terms (GAMBIT and ROBERT DOWNEY JR.) into one blog post to serve the folks that come looking for these two very handsome characters.  JK Leo found himself up to the job and created what you are about to read.  Please be advised that this post is rated PG-13.  I give you the tale of “X-Men Origins: Gambit…”

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I was working my grind at a strip club the other night (don’t judge) and this guy came in – some crusty skeez in a bright red tracksuit and hair that looked like half-cooked spaghetti. As soon as he walked through the door, his eyes were on me. He kept staring as he found his way to a seat. “This guy is gonna be worth some tips.” I went over and offered him a dance – of course, he says yes. “Cherry Pie” by Thin Lizzie came on (that’s like my favorite song) and I gave him the wildest lap dance his middle-aged brainbox had ever had the fortune to receive. I put my body all up on his body.

When the song was over I told him how much the lap dance cost, and he told me he didn’t have nearly that much money anymore. I was like “What do you mean, anymore?” He pulled something out of his pants – something long and cylindrical and I was like “EW!” but it was a rolled up packet of paper, and he jammed it in my hands.

“This is the only thing I have. Please take it as payment.”

 

When I got home I unrolled it and found that it was a screenplay about some magic French guy who throws things at people, which is my favorite genre of movie. Yes, I know what genre means. I’m not stripping my way through community college because I don’t want that Associate’s degree, if you catch my drift. [Editor’s note: We would rather you catch J.K. Leo’s drift than his herpes.] [Editor’s note: Yes, J.K. Leo is a man.]

So I took the screenplay and edited out most of the boring bits and stuck my name on the title page, then sold it to those [redacted] at comicalmusings.com for more than half the cost of a lap-dance, which is approximately the same cost as an affordable date at a coffee shop or something. I’m lonely.

 

 

X-MEN ORIGINS: GAMBIT

J.K. LEO, ROB LIEFELD, ROB LIEFELD, ROB LIEFELD

 

INT. A DINGY GAMBLING HALL. GAMBIT SITS AT A POKER TABLE SHUFFLING CARDS. HE LOOKS AND SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE ROBERT DOWNEY JR., BUT IS NOT ROBERT DOWNEY JR. DUE TO COPYRIGHT REASONS. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT CONTINUES TO SHUFFLE IN SHOWY WAYS AS THE PLAYERS AT THE TABLE GROW RESTLESS.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Seven card stud, mon ami.

GRIZZLED POKER PLAYER

Do people actually play seven card stud?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Ah’ve nevah played seven card stud in mah lahf.

LESS GRIZZLED POKER PLAYER

I can’t understand what you’re saying.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Ah have mah mouth full – of an accent. Ah’m not from around heeyuh.

NOT-AT-ALL GRIZZLED POKER PLAYER

Well, where are you from?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Ah’m from a place full’a misery and regret. Ah’m from the bayou.

VAGUELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

Is that where you learned to play seven card stud?

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Where you not listenin’?

SLIGHTLY MORE ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

It’s a noisy room.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Can we just play some pokah?

INTENSELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

Can we play seven card stud? It’s my favorite.

 

GAMBIT begins to shuffle the cards again. He deals seven cards to each player. He looks at his own hand of cards, revealing that he’s holding five aces and three kings. He smirks smirkily.

 

INTENSELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER pushes a stack of chips onto the table.

 

INTENSELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

I’m all in.

 GAMBIT smirks smirkily.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Bad move, cheri.

INTENSELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

My name is Dave.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Bad move, Dave cheri.

INTENSELY ATTRACTIVE POKER PLAYER

Stop calling me that.

 

GAMBIT flips his cards onto the table, revealing the perfect hand of seven card stud poker: The Overfull House.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Overfull house, Dave cheri.

DAVE

Stop calling me that! And how the hell did you get an overfull house? I think you’re a cheat!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

What did you just call me?

DAVE

A cheat!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Oh! I thought you said “jeet,” and I was like “What’s a jeet?”

DAVE

Jeeter!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Nobody – not nobody – calls me a jeeter!

 

GAMBIT scoops up his overfull house, charges the cards with purple kinetic energy, and flings them at DAVE. The cards explode in front of DAVE and send him flying backward into another poker table, knocking that table over.

 

As a sexy cocktail waitress walks by, GAMBIT grabs her by the waist, she swoons, and he leans in to kiss her in the most seductive, Cajun way possible.

 

WAITRESS

You smell like shrimp.

 

GAMBIT gets mad and charges the WAITRESS’ body with purple kinetic energy. He picks her up and throws her at DAVE, who’s just now dusting himself off and apologizing to the players at the other table. The WAITRESS explodes, sending DAVE flying backward into another table and knocking that one over.

 

GAMBIT smirks smirkily.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

That was a bad Gambit, mon ami.

 

TITLES.

 

As GAMBIT stands in the totally wrecked poker room, the lights come all the way up. GAMBIT looks up at the ceiling when an annoyed voice calls out.

CYCLOPS (over loudspeaker)

Are you serious?

 

A clang echoes throughout the room, the casino patrons freeze, and suddenly GAMBIT stands not in a crowded gambling house, but in the minimalist, art-deco DANGER ROOM of the X-Mansion.

 

INT. DANGER ROOM. CYCLOPS enters. He’s a tall, obviously badass team leader. You can tell he’s a team leader because of the pouches on all of his belts. A slight breeze passes through his mullet and makes him look super badass.

 

CYCLOPS

What the hell do you think that was, Gambit?

GAMBIT

Ah was just playin’ some cahds.

CYCLOPS

The Danger Room isn’t your own personal playground.

GAMBIT

D’you see any jungle gym bahs in this room?

CYCLOPS

What?

GAMBIT

Jungly gym bahs. All playgrounds have jungle gym bahs.

CYCLOPS

Oh. Bars. You mean jungle gym –bars-.

GAMBIT

If ye don’t see any bahs, then ah guess ah wasn’t usin’ this as mah own personal playground.

CYCLOPS

It was a metaphor, Gambit.

GAMBIT

Ah’ll metaphorically punch you in yer face, Sah-clops!

CYCLOPS

You’re off the X-Men, Gambit. I’m team leader while Professor Xavier is in space with the Starjammers, so you have to listen to me. You’re a loose cannon, and it’s too big a risk to have you in the field.

GAMBIT

Would you say it’s a –Gambit-?

CYCLOPS

Yes.

 

[SKIP TO PAGE 47]

 

INT. A BADASS JET PLANE.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT breathes heavily as he stands over an incapacitated TREVOR FITZROY. ROGUE stands off to the side.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Give me one good reason not to kill you, Trevor Fitzroy!

TREVOR

Because I’m an incredibly brief nod to events from the source material, and I might even evoke nostalgia in some people!

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Tell me about Magneto’s plan to switch the polarity on Earth’s axis and thereby destroy the planet!

TREVOR

Never!

 

GAMBIT charges up his deck of cards with kinetic energy, blows a hole in the side of the plane, the plane begins to go into a tailspin as it loses cabin pressure. GAMBIT throws TREVOR out into the sky through that big hole.

 

ROGUE

Are you crazy, Remy?

 

ROGUE can fly. She busts through the side of the plane, making her own hole – she could go through the one GAMBIT made, but she’s a strong, independent woman and doesn’t need that. She swoops down and snatches up the screeching TREVOR. She plants him roughly on the ground.

 

TREVOR

I’ll talk! I’ll tell you everything!

The badass jet plane crashes on the ground near them. GAMBIT climbs badassily out of the wreckage, dusts himself off, and walks badassily toward ROGUE.

 

ROGUE

Remy, that was crazy! You coulda killed him!

GAMBIT

It was a Gambit.

ROGUE

Ah could just kiss you, sugah.

GAMBIT

I wish you could, cheri.

ROGUE

But ah can’t ever kiss you, sugah.

GAMBIT

I know, mon ami. But one day. One day ah will be the first man to kiss you. That’s our entiyah character arc.

ROGUE looks down in shame.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

What’s wrong, mon ami?

ROGUE

Ah’ve already kissed a man – and even lost mah virginity to him.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Who is it, cheri?

ROGUE

It was Sentry, sugah.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Ah don’t believe it.

ROGUE

It’s canon, sugah. The Sentry: Fallen Son: Dark Reign: Siege: The Aftermath. I said it right there. Sugah.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Ah love you anyway.

 

GAMBIT pulls ROGUE in for a passionate kiss. After a second, lightning explodes in their mouths and sends them both hurtling backward.

 

ROGUE

Was it worth it, Remy?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Baby, that kiss was electrifyin’.

 

[Skip to page 89]

 

INT. MAGNETO’S SECRET BASE AT THE SOUTH POLE, WHICH IS TOTALLY TRASHED.

 

MAGNETO hovers menacingly in the air. ROGUE lies unconscious at GAMBIT’S feet. CYCLOPS is suspended in the air by his visor, dangling like a chicken in the window of a Chinese restaurant (racist?) by MAGNETO’S incredibly mutant powers. Only GAMBIT stands in the way of total annihilation.

 

MAGNETO

Soon you will die, fool! I will reverse the polarity of the the Earth and cause unparalleled destruction!

GAMBIT

Wah would you do such a thing, Maggy?

MAGNETO

Stop calling me that!

MAGNETO hurls CYCLOPS at GAMBIT. GAMBIT dodges, CYCLOPS gets embedded deep in a snow bank.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

Bad move, mon ami.

 

GAMBIT pulls out a handful of playing cards and begins charging them.

 

MAGNETO

What makes you think you can stand against me!? You parlor tricks are no match for the master of magnetism!

 

GAMBIT smirks smirkily.

 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GAMBIT

There ain’t no metal in the Ace of Spades, mon ami!

MAGNETO

What does that even mean?

 

GAMBIT throws a power-charged Ace of Spades at Magneto. It explodes in his face and knocks him unconscious.

 

CYCLOPS melts his way out of the snowbank using eyebeams and ROGUE begins to stir.

 

CYCLOPS

That was some good work out there, Gambit.

ROGUE

Yeah, sugah! It’s amazin’ a mutant with a generic powerset like yours could stop an Omega-level threat jabberwocky puddin’ spirit.

GAMBIT

Are you havin’ a stroke, sugah?

CYCLOPS

Why are you talking like Rogue? “Sugah” is her word, mon ami.

GAMBIT

Why are you talkin’ like me, bub?

ROGUE

Uh-oh!

MAGNETO wakes up.

 

MAGNETO

I feel the presence of an even greater threat.

CYCLOPS

Ah feel funny.

GAMBIT

Wait. Ah know who’s causing this. It’s someone…Sinister.

 

GAMBIT stares badassily into the camera.

 

CREDITS.

 

~ JK Leo ~

About JK Leo


Favorite comics: Blacksad, Daytripper, The Goon, Fantastic Four, Batman

Defining Quote: "If it's true we might die, let it be without regrets. Let it be with vigor. Let it be as giants." Jonathan Hickman via Namor

5 comments

  1. I haven’t read this yet… I just scrolled directly to the bottom to tell you how funny the banner artwork at the top is. Now I’m going to read…

  2. Glad that you like it Chris!

  3. What a great read, I needed that laugh. Very well written. Also, the lead in before the story was just pure awesome.

  4. I chortled quietly my whole way through this. My work mates probably thought I was having a stroke.

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