Batman Superman, A JK Leo Joint

^{Letter from the editor:  There are two things that you must know before you read this.  1.  The first sentence of this post used to be funnier, but I edited it out.  I am a tyrant.  2.  This is JK Leo’s script for Batman Superman.  Not the actual script.  Thank God.  Without further adieu…}

So I was weeping over my copy of The Dark Knight Rises, murmuring homophobic slurs in my best impression of Tom Hardy’s Bane, when I decided to see Man of Steel at the one movie theater I’m not banned from. When that orgy of wanton violence caused by nihilistic, death-worshiping Kevin Costner had ended, I decided it would be really cool to write the screenplay for the next Detective Comics Comics Movie Movie. I sat down with Zack Snyder (writer of Paths of Glory) and David S. Goyer (director of Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco). Together, the four of us (I invited a bowl of spaghetti to sit in the chair next to me so I wouldn’t have to sit next to Goyer because he smells like the inside of a mutilated cat), hashed out what will one day become known as the Citizen Kane of movies: THE ***DAMN BATMAN VERSUS MOTHER****ING SUPERMAN.

THE ***DAMN BATMAN VERSUS MOTHER****ING SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE BASED ON THE PROPERTY OF DETECTIVE COMICS’ COMICS BATMAN AND SUPERMAN

JK Leo, David S. Goyer, Zack Snyder

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INT. METROPOLIS APARTMENT. PA KENT lights a cigarette. He takes a drag and looks out the window at the glittering cityscape. He frowns and closes the blinds. PA KENT holds the cigarette up, gazes at its solemn ember, then slowly presses it into the flesh of his palm. Steam HISSES, PA KENT grimaces, and he tosses the butt away.

PA KENT

Buncha damn rats. Horrible buncha [incoherent mumbling]

PA KENT spits on his hand to quench the pain. Camera pans to a rifle sitting in the corner.

TITLES!

INT. BATCAVE. BATMAN, who is also Daredevil and the guy from Argo, punches a bunch of keys into a computer and streams of data flicker past on his data screen because BATMAN is allegedly the world’s greatest detective comics movies. BATMAN narrates in a growly, badass sort of way.

BATMAN

A dead man arrived in Metropolis yesterday. Jonathan Kent was annihilated by a tornado in Kansas twenty years ago. Body never recovered. Wife, son, and dumbass dog witnessed the whole thing. And yesterday, MPD found his prints on a rifle used in commission of a murder. Normally, I wouldn’t give much of a ****, you know, like, I’ve faked my own death so I could run off with Anne Hathaway. I get it. Guy’s married to old Sally Field and she just isn’t really holding up that well. His dog keeps running toward tornadoes. And then the kicker. Years later, this guy’s kid, he’s named Clark Kent, he shows the **** up and is an alien. He’s basically an alien god that could do all these horrible things. And then this other alien showed up and Clark Kent killed this guy. Little bit scary. So it’s time for me and Alfred to take a little trip.

ALFRED walks in with a plate of sandwiches.

ALFRED

I cut the crusts off like you asked, Master Wayne.

BATMAN (Growling)

Good.

ALFRED

Turkey and swiss on a Kaiser roll. Your favorite.

BATMAN (Ignoring Alfred, still fiddling with his computer)

Pickles?

ALFRED

Pickles on the side.

BATMAN

Good. You always put on too many pickles and the juice soaks into the bread.

ALFRED

I put them on the side this time.

BATMAN

Good.

BATMAN eats his sandwiches.

BATMAN

All right.

(beat)

Let’s go.

EXT. METROPOLIS, THE DAILY PLANET PLAZA. CLARK KENT wanders around, texting on his phone.

CLARK KENT (Voiceover)

I heard a familiar sound in my dreams. My father’s heartbeat. I thought that twister silenced it for good, but I guess I was wrong. He’s close.

LOIS

Clark!

LOIS runs up and hugs CLARK.

CLARK

It still boggles my mind that we’re in a relationship. I mean, I know I’m absurdly handsome, but come on. You know nothing about me except the fact that I’m an alien who causes so much property damage I must absolutely be an employee of State Farm.

LOIS

I got your text.

CLARK

And?

LOIS

Chocolate chip cookie dough. But why does Perry have you reporting on different types of ice cream?

CLARK

Jameson at the Bugle beat us to the punch with that gelato story.

LOIS

Oh.

CLARK

I heard my father’s heartbeat.

LOIS

That’s weird.

CLARK

Uh-huh.

METROPOLIS. EXT. CRIME SCENE. A dead dude lies in the street, his head all shot off. BATMAN picks up a shell casing.

BATMAN

Oracle, run this casing for fingerprints.

ORACLE

No fingerprints. Looks like the shooter wore gloves.

BATMAN

Get me a list of all the people in this city who bought gloves two days ago.

ORACLE

Why two days?

BATMAN

Because just ****ing do it already.

ORACLE

One result: John Smith.

BATMAN

That’s him.

ORACLE

How do you know?

BATMAN

His alias isn’t Hanja Tenk.

ORACLE

What?

BATMAN

Not Hanja Kent. That’s an anagram for Jonathan Kent.

ORACLE

That sounds like a reach.

BATMAN

Wheelchair joke.

ORACLE

Excuse me?

BATMAN

I don’t have a good joke about how you’re in a wheelchair, so just pretend I said something clever but offensive.

ORACLE

You’re an *******.

BATMAN

Just like that.

ORACLE

Now what?

BATMAN

I know where he’ll strike next.

ORACLE

How is that even possible?

BATMAN

Batman.

INT. METROPOLIS, DINGY APARTMENT. PA KENT loads his rifle and smokes a cigarette.

PA KENT

Clark turned into a damn do-gooder, but I taught him to have no concern for innocent human lives. When those aliens attacked, he actually went out of his way to save a few people. That’s the antithesis of everything he should have learned from me. But now I’ll make up for it.

BATMAN

I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

KENT whirls around.

PA KENT

Batman!?

BATMAN

Batman.

INT. SWANKY APARTMENT. CLARK and LOIS make out on the couch.

LOIS

I think we should get serious.

CLARK

You know we’ve had, like seven interactions total, right?

LOIS

It’s just –

CLARK puts his hand on her mouth.

CLARK

Shut up. I hear something.

(beat)

Yep. My dad’s in trouble again.

LOIS

Mrrfmfmmf.

CLARK

You’re right, Lois.

INT. PA KENT’S APARTMENT. KENT  menaces BATMAN with a gun.

PA KENT

Get away.

BATMAN

Sweartame.

PA KENT

What?

BATMAN

Swear ta me.

PA KENT

Still not getting it.

BATMAN

Swear.

PA KENT

Okay.

BATMAN

Swear to me.

PA KENT

Sweater me?

BATMAN

No.

SUPERMAN crashes through the wall and kills BATMAN with one punch.