Letter from the editor: There are two things that you must know before you read this. 1. The first sentence of this post used to be funnier, but I edited it out. I am a tyrant. 2. This is JK Leo’s script for Batman Superman. Not the actual script. Thank God. Without further adieu…
So I was weeping over my copy of The Dark Knight Rises, murmuring homophobic slurs in my best impression of Tom Hardy’s Bane, when I decided to see Man of Steel at the one movie theater I’m not banned from. When that orgy of wanton violence caused by nihilistic, death-worshiping Kevin Costner had ended, I decided it would be really cool to write the screenplay for the next Detective Comics Comics Movie Movie. I sat down with Zack Snyder (writer of Paths of Glory) and David S. Goyer (director of Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco). Together, the four of us (I invited a bowl of spaghetti to sit in the chair next to me so I wouldn’t have to sit next to Goyer because he smells like the inside of a mutilated cat), hashed out what will one day become known as the Citizen Kane of movies: THE ***DAMN BATMAN VERSUS MOTHER****ING SUPERMAN.
THE ***DAMN BATMAN VERSUS MOTHER****ING SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE BASED ON THE PROPERTY OF DETECTIVE COMICS’ COMICS BATMAN AND SUPERMAN
JK Leo, David S. Goyer, Zack Snyder
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INT. METROPOLIS APARTMENT. PA KENT lights a cigarette. He takes a drag and looks out the window at the glittering cityscape. He frowns and closes the blinds. PA KENT holds the cigarette up, gazes at its solemn ember, then slowly presses it into the flesh of his palm. Steam HISSES, PA KENT grimaces, and he tosses the butt away.
PA KENT
Buncha damn rats. Horrible buncha [incoherent mumbling]
PA KENT spits on his hand to quench the pain. Camera pans to a rifle sitting in the corner.
TITLES!
INT. BATCAVE. BATMAN, who is also Daredevil and the guy from Argo, punches a bunch of keys into a computer and streams of data flicker past on his data screen because BATMAN is allegedly the world’s greatest detective comics movies. BATMAN narrates in a growly, badass sort of way.
BATMAN
A dead man arrived in Metropolis yesterday. Jonathan Kent was annihilated by a tornado in Kansas twenty years ago. Body never recovered. Wife, son, and dumbass dog witnessed the whole thing. And yesterday, MPD found his prints on a rifle used in commission of a murder. Normally, I wouldn’t give much of a ****, you know, like, I’ve faked my own death so I could run off with Anne Hathaway. I get it. Guy’s married to old Sally Field and she just isn’t really holding up that well. His dog keeps running toward tornadoes. And then the kicker. Years later, this guy’s kid, he’s named Clark Kent, he shows the **** up and is an alien. He’s basically an alien god that could do all these horrible things. And then this other alien showed up and Clark Kent killed this guy. Little bit scary. So it’s time for me and Alfred to take a little trip.
ALFRED walks in with a plate of sandwiches.
ALFRED
I cut the crusts off like you asked, Master Wayne.
BATMAN (Growling)
Good.
ALFRED
Turkey and swiss on a Kaiser roll. Your favorite.
BATMAN (Ignoring Alfred, still fiddling with his computer)
Pickles?
ALFRED
Pickles on the side.
BATMAN
Good. You always put on too many pickles and the juice soaks into the bread.
ALFRED
I put them on the side this time.
BATMAN
Good.
BATMAN eats his sandwiches.
BATMAN
All right.
(beat)
Let’s go.
EXT. METROPOLIS, THE DAILY PLANET PLAZA. CLARK KENT wanders around, texting on his phone.
CLARK KENT (Voiceover)
I heard a familiar sound in my dreams. My father’s heartbeat. I thought that twister silenced it for good, but I guess I was wrong. He’s close.
LOIS
Clark!
LOIS runs up and hugs CLARK.
CLARK
It still boggles my mind that we’re in a relationship. I mean, I know I’m absurdly handsome, but come on. You know nothing about me except the fact that I’m an alien who causes so much property damage I must absolutely be an employee of State Farm.
LOIS
I got your text.
CLARK
And?
LOIS
Chocolate chip cookie dough. But why does Perry have you reporting on different types of ice cream?
CLARK
Jameson at the Bugle beat us to the punch with that gelato story.
LOIS
Oh.
CLARK
I heard my father’s heartbeat.
LOIS
That’s weird.
CLARK
Uh-huh.
METROPOLIS. EXT. CRIME SCENE. A dead dude lies in the street, his head all shot off. BATMAN picks up a shell casing.
BATMAN
Oracle, run this casing for fingerprints.
ORACLE
No fingerprints. Looks like the shooter wore gloves.
BATMAN
Get me a list of all the people in this city who bought gloves two days ago.
ORACLE
Why two days?
BATMAN
Because just ****ing do it already.
ORACLE
One result: John Smith.
BATMAN
That’s him.
ORACLE
How do you know?
BATMAN
His alias isn’t Hanja Tenk.
ORACLE
What?
BATMAN
Not Hanja Kent. That’s an anagram for Jonathan Kent.
ORACLE
That sounds like a reach.
BATMAN
Wheelchair joke.
ORACLE
Excuse me?
BATMAN
I don’t have a good joke about how you’re in a wheelchair, so just pretend I said something clever but offensive.
ORACLE
You’re an *******.
BATMAN
Just like that.
ORACLE
Now what?
BATMAN
I know where he’ll strike next.
ORACLE
How is that even possible?
BATMAN
Batman.
INT. METROPOLIS, DINGY APARTMENT. PA KENT loads his rifle and smokes a cigarette.
PA KENT
Clark turned into a damn do-gooder, but I taught him to have no concern for innocent human lives. When those aliens attacked, he actually went out of his way to save a few people. That’s the antithesis of everything he should have learned from me. But now I’ll make up for it.
BATMAN
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
KENT whirls around.
PA KENT
Batman!?
BATMAN
Batman.
INT. SWANKY APARTMENT. CLARK and LOIS make out on the couch.
LOIS
I think we should get serious.
CLARK
You know we’ve had, like seven interactions total, right?
LOIS
It’s just –
CLARK puts his hand on her mouth.
CLARK
Shut up. I hear something.
(beat)
Yep. My dad’s in trouble again.
LOIS
Mrrfmfmmf.
CLARK
You’re right, Lois.
INT. PA KENT’S APARTMENT. KENT menaces BATMAN with a gun.
PA KENT
Get away.
BATMAN
Sweartame.
PA KENT
What?
BATMAN
Swear ta me.
PA KENT
Still not getting it.
BATMAN
Swear.
PA KENT
Okay.
BATMAN
Swear to me.
PA KENT
Sweater me?
BATMAN
No.
SUPERMAN crashes through the wall and kills BATMAN with one punch.
FIN. ~ JK Leo