Comical Musings Read more comics. So I was smoking that good crack rock with Brian Michael Bendis and Jim Steranko, and then they got into an argument over whether flying cars were awesome. Bendis said flying cars weren’t awesome. Steranko said they were really awesome. Bendis called Steranko a racial slur and then Steranko stood up and gave him a Bob-Kane-level smackdown. I can still recall the fear in Bendis’s eyes. Wait, was it fear? Actually, it was blood. Yes. Blood in his eyes. Blood on the floor. Bendis blood flowing across the floor. All over the covers of New Avengers issue 15. All over everything until the whole world was bathed in crimson. Then Bendis got up and the three of us watched Reading Rainbow until the cows came home. Then Mrs. Bendis yelled at us because we called them cows. I couldn’t help it. That sweet, sweet crack rock.
Sorry. Let me start over.
Hi, my name is JK Leo. Have you heard the good news? Marvel announced recently that Michael Douglas will be portraying Hank Pym in the upcoming Ant-Man film. Now, this makes me pretty happy, because Michael Douglas and his jowls have been in some really great movies over the years. I’m thinking of David Fincher’s severely underrated The Game. And the Wall Street sequel starring serial plagiarist/full-time douchebag/part-time actor, Shia LaBeouf. And You, Me, & Dupree. And Glengarry Glen Ross. K-PAX. Superman Returns. Of Mice and Men. The Borrowers. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The Godfather Part III. Freedom Writers. His dad was even mother-farthing Paths of Glory. If you like movies but you don’t like Paths of Glory, you’re smoking some Bendis-level, Rob-Ford shaming crack rock.
As you know, when I’m not turning tricks at Rick’s Badger Ranch Brothel, I moonlight as a writer for Marvel comics. Lately they’ve just had me doing the footnotes to Matt Fraction’s Pretentious D-Bag Comics Series. But now I’m determined to break into the limelight by having Marvel Comics Studios make a movie out of my Ant-Man screenplay. Here we go.
MARVEL STUDIOS PRESENTS
ANT-MAN
JK Leo
Screenrant.com
INT. PYM LABORATORY. MICHAEL DOUGLAS fools around with chemistry crap. He pours crap into other crap until SCIENCE! happens. SCIENCE! gets on him and he freaks out and gets really enormous until he becomes a giant man and busts through the roof of the laboratory.
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Oh crap! I’m a giant!
JANET VAN DYNE runs into the rubble of the lab and looks up to yell at MICHAEL DOUGLAS.
JANET (shouting)
Hank Pym! Are you okay?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)
Yes, Janet Van Dyne.
JANET (shouting)
How did you get so big?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)
Particles.
JANET (shouting)
What kind of particles?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)
Particles of an unknown nature. They seem to make people bigger.
JANET (whispering)
Like your ego?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS (shouting)
What?
JANET (shouting)
Pym Particles™!
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Cool sounds good.
Something something action sequence. MICHAEL DOUGLAS who is ANT-MAN runs around hitting people in cool and visually interesting ways. Zack Snyder drools all over the place. He switches sizes between being minuscule and really enormous and he kills all these dudes.
INT. AVENGERS TOWER. IRON MAN sits at a desk and MICHAEL DOUGLAS sits across from him. IRON MAN sips whiskey through a straw that he has put through a slit in his helmet.
IRON MAN
So you know who the Avengers are?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Yes. Duh.
IRON MAN
Really? You’re kind of old…
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Not too old to remember Steed and Peel.
IRON MAN
Who?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Emma Peel. Steed. Cane swords. Avengers.
IRON MAN
I have no idea what you’re talking about. How old are you?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
My dad was Spartacus, so that would make me roughly INSANELY OLD.
IRON MAN
Uh…Avengers.
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Yes. Steed and Peel.
IRON MAN
Jarvis?
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Yes, sir?
IRON MAN
Can you google “The Avengers” for this old mother******?
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Indubitably, sir.
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Now listen, Mister Stark. I respect your work. You’re a damn good scientist and your dad is one of the best supporting cast members in Mad Men.
IRON MAN
You think so?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Well, he’s no Peggy Olsen or Joan Holloway, but he’s better than –
IRON MAN and MICHAEL DOUGLAS, simultaneously
Pete Campbell!
Both laugh hysterically.
IRON MAN
So how about that Bob Benson storyline?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Seriously. Loved it. Like…symbolism.
IRON MAN
Right!?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
But anyway…
IRON MAN clears his throat. MICHAEL DOUGLAS clears his throat. Awkward silence pervades.
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don’t want to join your Avengers. There’s only one Avengers team for me, plus the New Avengers of course, and it’s –
IRON MAN
Did Bendis send you?
MICHAEL DOUGLAS
What? Who’s Bendis? What are you –
IRON MAN
Get out!
Exit MICHAEL DOUGLAS.
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Sir, I’ve returned with your google results.
IRON MAN
Damn, where did you go? That took forever.
JARVIS (Off-screen)
I had to go to a wireless tower, then outer space, where I interfaced with a particularly brusque satellite. Then I returned with the desired information. I brought an NSA Trojan Horse with me.
IRON MAN
Okay, whatever.
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Apparently, The Avengers is a much-loved British television programme.
IRON MAN
Did you just spell program in the British way?
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Uh…
IRON MAN
Nevermind. Who’s the most desperate ass**** in my contacts list? Someone who will do anything for money.
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Paul Rudd.
IRON MAN
Paul Rudd? You serious? Dude was in Cider House Rules. Wet Hot American Summer.
JARVIS (Off-screen)
I didn’t care for Wet Hot American Summer.
IRON MAN
Did you actually watch it?
JARVIS (Off-screen)
Er, yes.
IRON MAN
Bull****. Anybody who’s seen Wet Hot American Summer absolutely loves it. Call Paul Rudd.
INT. Burger Palace. IRON MAN sits in a booth across from PAUL RUDD. They both munch on curly fries.
IRON MAN
These curly fries are insane.
PAUL RUDD
Right?
IRON MAN
Pass me that ketchup.
PAUL RUDD
K.
IRON MAN
So. You’re probably guessing I have a reason to call you up randomly.
PAUL RUDD
You didn’t just want to, like, talk?
IRON MAN
I need you to steal something.
PAUL RUDD
I’m’a steal some of those curly fries.
IRON MAN
I’m serious.
PAUL RUDD
I’m serious about these fries yo.
IRON MAN
You’ve played a thief, right?
PAUL RUDD
I was in Dinner For Schmucks, and that movie made a ton of money. So…in a way.
IRON MAN
You’re gonna’ become Ant-Man.
PAUL RUDD
I don’t know who that is.
IRON MAN
You’re Ant-Man.
PAUL RUDD
That doesn’t sound very awesome.
IRON MAN
Michael Douglas was Ant-Man, but now it’s you.
PAUL RUDD
Cool. I’ll do it.
IRON MAN
Just like that? I just say “Michael Douglas” and you’re in?
PAUL RUDD
Mhm. Dude’s awesome. He was in the movie where you see the vagina.
IRON MAN
He was, I guess.
PAUL RUDD
So what am I stealing?
IRON MAN
Pym Particles™.
PAUL RUDD
Pimp articles?
IRON MAN
Yeah.
PAUL RUDD
Like a cup? With rhinestones on it?
IRON MAN
What are you talking about?
PAUL RUDD
Big sunglasses? Garish fur coat?
IRON MAN
Just go to his lab. I’ll text you the directions. Jack his gear and you’re on the team.
PAUL RUDD
I get to be an Avenger?
IRON MAN
Uh-huh.
PAUL RUDD
Hang out with Captain America?
IRON MAN
Yeah, sure.
PAUL RUDD
Hulk?
IRON MAN
If he’s in town.
PAUL RUDD
Thor?
IRON MAN
Are you just listing all the Avengers you know of?
PAUL RUDD
The Immortal Iron Fist?
THE END
Post-Credits Stinger!!!!!!!!!!!111!
PAUL RUDD
It’s just amazing, like how any bit of rumored casting news gets instantly reported as fact. I mean, I’m really invested in comics and superhero films. I love spoilers. Love ‘em. But sometimes the blogosphere can take it a little far, to the point where I’m like WHOA, just cool it. I don’t know if Johnny Depp is playing Doctor Strange, or maybe it’s Jon Hamm or maybe John Cusack or maybe John Malkovich or maybe Jonathan Taylor Thomas or quite possibly John Cleese, but I’m like 95% sure it’ll be someone named John or some derivation of. But like, even with Star Wars. I love me some Star Wars. But when a rumor circulates that someone might have maybe taken a meeting with Todd from Breaking Bad, like give it a rest man. Tell me when you have something to tell me.
NICK FURY
I was just wanting to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
PAUL RUDD
You go away, Nick Fury. You go away and you never come back.
~ JK Leo ~
You had me at Wet Hot American Summer.